RAWBangkok

The Pattaya Ghost celebrated his 44th birthday at the Big Mango Bar on Tuesday night by giving away free Tiger pints to everyone who turned up for his party. Naturally I was there early.

The free beer was on tap from 7 p.m. and I rock in around 6:30 and the bar is packed. On a Tuesday evening this is unusual, and I even wait a minute or two for someone to pay and leave before I can get a stool at the bar.

As soon as I do I order a Tiger pint — the only one I will pay for all night — and settle down for a long evening on the barstool.

The fella to my left is friendly and talkative, and we soon establish that he is The Soi Lawyer — a contributor, reader and commenter on the Big Mango Blog. The early part of the evening passes quickly as we engage in a fast-flowing conversation.

Nick & Smitty, the two main proprieters of the bar come over and join the conversation. As always they are entertaining.

At five minutes before seven the Ghost arrives to applause. I guess that’s what happens when you buy beer for the entire bar in Bangkok. He comes over immediately to say g’day to Smitty & Nick, and we shake hands and say hello. He laughs about the fact that I am right on time for the free stuff.

For an hour or so I down pints at a rapid pace and talk with Ben, the lawyer. Then the two guys who went to Resort and Sky club with me last week walk in the front door. They both come over to say hello, and are happy to report that they each managed to get laid by their Sky Club hostesses on Monday night. I am, of course, pleased for both of them. For a brief moment, in my mind’s eye, I imagine myself sweating and grunting on top of my favorite hostess Nat, but the moment passes. Back to reality.

Onnutter rolls in soon after but he settles in at a table with another friend of his and doesn’t really talk to me. I’ll go over and say my hellos later.

But by 8:30 or so I’m feeling no pain. Apple, who has been working for the Super Mango Brothers since the early days of the original bar, is using the space to my right for ordering drinks from the bartenders, so I’m chatting with her frequently. She’s bubbly and happy all the time and I’ve been told by people who should know that she’s good fun to take home. I always flirt harmlessly with the Big Mango girls and never offer (seriously) to take them home. So I flirt harmlessly with Apple. She takes it well, since she is accustomed to middle aged customers grabbing her body and saying stupid shit in a drunken slur. I don’t disappoint her by being any different.

Some guy is sitting on the opposite side of the bar with a girl who has a pretty face. I am looking (staring) at her for a few seconds and she spots me. This is Thailand so no need to be embarrassed. She locks eyes with me and gives me an encouraging look. We continue the eye contact on and off for twenty minutes or so while her guy chats with the guy to his left. I think about going over and asking her for her phone number or what bar she works in, but it seems like too much effort. I know I’ll never actually call her. After a while I lose interest and forget about her. Later I look over and she and her man are gone.

I look at my watch and it’s 9:30. Jesus, it feels like it should be dawn. A guy with a heavy accent from the northern part of the UK approaches me. He is vaguely familiar and he knows my name. I ask if we’ve met before and he says yes. I think back to an encounter outside the Big Mango Bar back in July, but I’m not sure so I ask him. Instead he mentions that he saw me at Soi Cowboy a while back.

What he is too polite to mention is that he paid the tab for me and five of my friends that night. I remember though and I thank him again.

We talk for a while and he confirms that this is our third meeting; that my memory of meeting him in front of the Big Mango Bar in July is correct.

He is a blog reader and commenter. He spotted me from across the bar and guessed my mood, which was fading to black. The Soi Lawyer has long ago turned to a more interesting conversation on his left side, and I had begun brooding about the imminent departure of my favorite go go dancer, who is due to depart Thailand at about the same time that 2008 gives way to 2009. I guess my face gave away those dark thoughts, and this guy came over to cheer me up.

He did a good job, getting me laughing. I was overwhelmingly drunk at this stage, having consumed innumerable Tiger pints. I have been almost beer-free for about four months and they have hit me hard. It occurs to me that this is the third time I’ve met this guy and each time I’ve been drunk. I tell him that I must apologize now for the next time we meet, as I probably still won’t remember him. He seems to accept that as a given, and sometime in the next few minutes he fades away. I look around the bar for him, trying to remember what he looked like. Is that him across the bar flirting with Oh? I think so, but I’m not sure.

I’ve always been lustful for Oh, the slender, dark eyed cashier. She told me long ago that she had a guy in the UK. I call her over to my where I am sitting and ask her if that’s her boyfriend and she laughs and says no; that her guy is arriving in Bangkok on New Year’s Eve (Wednesday). I remember that she told me a few months ago that they plan to get married, so I ask about that.

“Yes” she answers. “We’re getting married on January first.”

“Thursday?!” I am surprised.

“Yep!” She’s beaming.

Apparently her guy is landing at the airport on Wednesday, they are tying the knot here in Thailand on Thursday, and they will spend a couple of weeks together, then he will return to the UK while her visa application is being processed. Once her visa is approved she will go join him. Lucky bastard! Oh is one of the sexiest girls around.

I’ve been on my barstool for more than three hours now. I look around the bar and it’s full of guys. Just like the bar girl factory in Isaan, we could have all come from the same factory somewhere in farangland. We are mostly about the same age. We are mostly drunk. We are all talking animatedly about things that we won’t recall tomorrow.

I decide to get up and move around. I say hi to Onnutter and then chase down the Birthday boy, Ghost. Earlier he had been presented with a cake and candles. We chat a bit, but he’s distracted. It’s his birthday and he has a lot of guests. He sees that I am drinking beer from a mug instead of a pint glass and asks why.

“They ran out of clean glasses” I say, pointing to the empty shelf.

OIC.

At some point our conversation loses steam. I look around. It’s well past ten o’clock, and I think I’ve talked to everyone I know. I figure it’s time to go.

I wander out the door into the night, unmissed.

I think about going home, but decide instead to wander over to the Pent and try to kill what’s left of the liquor on my account there. I haven’t been to the Pent since about February.

I go straight to the Disco in the back. My favorite girl from the Pent is named Pan, a slender brace-faced girl with a bright personality who can always make me laugh and feel happy. I wonder if she’s still working here.

As I find my seat I am suddenly embraced from behind. It’s Pan. She looks the same. I have two bottles of whiskey, a bottle of tequila and 6 bottles of beer left on the membership. I tell them to bring it all. I’m aiming to kill myself or all the liquor tonight.

I ask Pan if she has any friends working here. Yes, she says. She has two friends Bring them over and let’s drink. Suddenly I am with three scantily clad coyote dancers.

Wow! One of them is drop dead gorgeous with a curvy body. I ask her name. It’s a western name that doesn’t fit her at all… Emily… Amelia… I can’t remember now. I flirt shamelessly with her, thinking that she could definitely cheer me up.

Just seeing Pan is an instant uplift… I’ve known her for a couple of years and she is one of my favorite people… not just in Thailand, but in the world.

I encourage the girls to drink as much and as fast as they can. I’m close to the point of incoherence. I’m touching Pan a lot… she has a hard slender body and has never objected to me pawing her. But I’m looking at Ardelia… Elisa… whatever. I don’t normally go for the really curvy girls but she has a fantastic look.

The girls have to dance a set. I’m alone. I’m drunk. And I realize that I need to go.

I don’t say goodbye to anyone. For the second time tonight I walk out into the night drunk and alone.

It’s a long way home. Walking will almost certainly take an hour in my current state, and I’m wondering if I can manage at all. I think of several bad decision in recent months when I’ve tried to walk home drunk instead of taking a taxi, and I think that I ought to get a cab tonight.

But I know my wallet is empty. I went out with less than 200 baht and used it all at the Big Mango for tips. So I head for the ATM.

When I get there I open my wallet to get my ATM card, but it isn’t there. I know I’m drunk so I’m sure I must be confused. I take a deep breath and try to slowly check the entire wallet. No way I could have lost my ATM card… I’m very careful with it and I haven’t used it for …. how long? I dunno, a week or more anyway. But it’s gone. It just ain’t there!

Well, I guess I’m walking.

I start down the street and I’m definitely staggering and weaving. I’m gonna have to walk the entire miracle mile. It’s a good thing I’m broke because otherwise I’m sure I’d take some comfort in a street hooker.

I’m not clear-headed. In fact I’m downright fuzzy. I’ve had far too much to drink and it’s tough to think straight. I take out my wallet again searching for the missing ATM card, but no luck.

I stagger another two blocks and think to myself that I really don’t want to do this. I really just want to lay down and take a nap.

Well, we’ve been there before, haven’t we? The last time I did that my watch was stolen. I decide to soldier on.

With the night air, the walking and the increasing separation from my last shot of whiskey I am starting to rise out of the morass of dazed confusion and back into the realms of higher brain function. I’m not sober by any means, but I’m starting to regain enough motor control to walk in a straight line and the incredible weariness that had attacked me just minutes ago begins to fade.

By the time I reach Nana I am fine. Just one more middle aged drunk farang on a street full of them.

The walk home passes quickly and without incident. I get to my front door and am relieved to find that I haven’t lost my key.

Inside I pull my pants off and collapse in the bed, thankful to be home.

Happy birthday Ghost. Happy New Year everyone.