RAWBangkok

A blog from Penfold

You know you’re emotionally fucked when you cry at the king’s anthem at the cinema. To happen twice in a week is pretty shocking.

Last year I’d been through a messy split with my GF, and decided to take a Sangsom bottle and a packet of blue tablets to my liver and willy.

It was hard waving goodbye to a year-long relationship, but even harder when I found out she had fallen into the arms of a fucking German. This was the final straw. Enough to send any Englishman into a booze-fuelled storm. Time to take a breather and get out of BKK…… Time to call home. Time to call Mother

“You will be coming home FOR GOOD won’t you?” she queried
“Yes” I lied
“Good – Let me grab my Visa, and get you the first plane home”

Even as my dear mother was giving me her card details over the phone to book a flight home, I was already plotting my cum-splattered return.

TICKETS – Ebookers.com always does me. I’ve booked with them maybe 4-5 times in the past and found them the best for price and options. Took a few minutes out from downloading Ladyboy Bukkake and thatsphucked.com to see what they had going on. One-wayers for early Jan…..

£305 would get me a one-wayer with the might JET AIR, via Doha. A friend of mine who’s a famously stingy bastard has flown with them before and said they were awful. Said the plane smelt like a Balti house in East Luton. Pass

£495 direct with Thai Air. Fuck Thai Air. Flew with them last time and they were fucking pants. Flight was 3hours late taking off, I had no IFE, was served food a tapeworm wouldn’t scoff, and was sat next to an ugly barwhore who had an even uglier personality. She had 2 hurrendously ugly children in tow, who didn’t stop moaning in their ugly voices the whole flight. An ugly experience all round.

£365 for Gulf Air via some place full of camels and sand somewhere. My mom has staunch views on me flying with an airline, and I quote ‘What? my only son flying an airline run by Arab cunts? They can go fuck themselves’ So that’s Gulf Air out the window. Shame

£380 direct with EVA Air. Taiwanese by all accounts. If the plane quality is anything like the 3rd rate Xmas toys made there, we’d be lucky to get off the runway in 1 piece. A close friend is a business travel manager and he said EVA are a worthy airline with good rep. 930pm departure and a 4pm arrival. If I don’t get busted for smuggling smack in my anus at customs, I could be sipping a Spy Wine Cooler, while being cowgirled in a Ratchada soapie come 6pm. Taiwanese stewardesses to ogle, drunkenly grope, tug over in the toilet and get slapped in the face by? Think we have a winner

Was shopping in my local town for scented bathroom candles and skin creme, and decided to see what The Flight Centre had to offer. A fat-man with a pastel light blue shirt and over-active sweat glands quoted me £550 for the EVA flight. Nice try. A brief conversation and half a litre of sweat later, he agreed to beat the ebookers price by a whole British Pound. Can you say SAVING?
Handed over the plastic and she’s all booked.

SPREADING THE SEED – In the 18months or so I’ve lived in Thailand, I haven’t really seen much outside Bangkok.
Pattaya (shit beach, shit clientele, shit clubs, shithole)
Phuket (rip-off, but good whores)
Koh Samui (cool beach, but full of fags)
Nakon Sri Thammarat (absolute shit but…… nothing. Its shit.)

This is poor form, so have made it my mission to make more of an effort to spread my ungodly muck across Amazing Thailand.

Logged on to Airasia.com to see what they had going on. The biggest problem I have about the site, is not the sneaky and slightly cuntish taxes they scoop on, but which of the 4 babes on the first screen Id rather have stark bollock naked, feet and hands bound, cleaning blood and bits of shredded hemen off my white, tiled bathroom floor with a toothbrush in her mouth. The last girl on the left with huge tits. Everytime.

At the time, they had a load of the ‘9 baht flights’ for sale. My main gripe with these are the ‘cuntish taxes’, and the gay and unsociable times these flights are at. Saying that, managed to snap up a one-wayer to Chiang Rai, around midday for 860baht all in, and a one wayer from Chiang Mai to Bangkok a week later for the same. Im good at this bargain shit.

Chiang Rai – I’ve hung out a few times with a Bangkok girl who goes to Uni in the Rai. Shes totally hot, a big time stoner, and is well up for a shot at the champ. For for 1 reason or another, I have yet to actually seal the deal. All I have to do is ply her with cheap Thai whisky, even cheaper Thai herb, and I should be splitting the weasel in record time.

From my limited research there’s fuck all nightlife to really speak of in CR. From limited research online, I’ve heard of bars called LOBO and PatPong Bar which hardly fill me with confidence, although a nightclub called WOMB I could really dig. Vague reports of a ’soapie’ in The Wiang Inn need to be confirmed too.

After 2-3 days of hopefully wearing Lil’ Miss Stoners thighs as earmuffs, and experiencing ChiangRais breath-taking scenery through the window of an air conditioned bar, I’m gonna get the VIP (very important penfold) bus to Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai – Not that sure of my plans yet. I got a few female contacts in Chiang Mai awaiting my arrival to show me around. Both are smoking hot uni girls, both single, and both way, way out of EVEN my league sadly.

The tentative plan is to hit the California gym in the morning, a soapie for lunch, find a Muay Thai gym to hit the pads at say 5ish, then Ill be set for some SangSom soaked debauchery by sundown. After I inevitably fuck things up by boozily (is that even a word?) groping my leggy tour-guides, and getting deservedly & repeatedly punched in the face by a tuktuk driver, who’s mother I have drunkenly insulted, I will probably skulk into the night searching for an ugly street whore that even BBB wouldn’t pork for free, and bareback her in the ass for a nominal fee.

If that poorly constructed plan fails, Im sure as a last resort, Ill find a prick-hungry katoey who will gladly take a shot of ‘Penfold Protein’ to the soft pallet for a crisp, red 100 note.

Any advice on Freelancer hangouts, Ladyboy infested shit-holes, or where the young and trendy of Chiang Mai (such as me) go to hang-out, would be greatly appreciated.
Wouldn’t mind adding to my growing tattoo collection while I’m there, so any tip-offs on decent inkers would be sweet.

Koh Samui -This isnt new ground as Ive been here before, however I was with my GF, so t’was a tame affair. Samuis good – not great, but good. I much prefer Phuket for the sluts, and Samui for the beach. I have 2 friends in Thailand mid Feb who are picking up my flights and accommodation. I naturally championed Phuket’s case purely for the sluts, but sadly I was outvoted. Still, a free holiday is a free holiday.

Despite Chaweng Beach having an alarming amount of fags playing bat’n'ball games in speedos, and ladyboys wearing sarongs to cover their meat and potatoes, its still a cool beach. The beach does some seriously swag food at night. Low tables, fairy lights and all that jazz. Classy shit.

The beerbar scene is pretty lame, but the 2 gogos at the bottom of Soi Green Mango HAD some fucking knockouts last time around, that mark my words ladies and gentleman, WILL be getting their little pooholes violated! Lot of Ozzie babes at ‘Sweet Soul Cafe’ and the Blackmoon party who were hanging off their tits on redbull, whisky and disco biscuits, that are fair game for some smash n grab.

Went back to AirAsia.com and spent 5minutes imagining me doing some Patrick Batemanesque shit to the girl on the left again.
3 returns from BKK to Surat Thani ran at all but 7500baht. Under 2500 a pair. BangkokAirways wanted 9800baht odd EACH. Well you can poke it right up your big, fat arse Mr BangkokAirways. Will have to slum it on a ferry from Surat to Samui Island which is slightly uncool, but forgiveable.

Booked The EverGreen Hotel last time through www.koh-samui.de. Got a suite there that ran at a reasonable 3000baht and came with an private Jacuzzi. Booked up more of the same in preparation of scraping back some vodka fuelled street-skanks, who will get demolished amongst the bubbles and cheap champagne.

Koh Chang – Will be hitting ‘The Chang’ with a gik of mine. She’s fairly cash’d up and suggesting going for a long weekend as her treat.
She had complications with an abortion when she was 25 and is unable to have kids. Therefore ‘creampies’ are order of the day. SSB has since dubbed her ‘Splatterhouse’. Class.

Will probably hang here for 4-5 days, eat a truckfull of seafood, paint her innards 4-5 times daily, get some sun on my belly and kick back to the collection of soul classics and disco anthems on my ipod.
I’ve been told the chances of me finding a gym on the island are slim, though I’m thinking 1 of the 5star joints there will have at least a weight room I can use for a small fee.

DocSmith & Catman let on that some P4P can be obtained on The Chang. Hoping I can get some strong leads and skulk out to investigate. Purely in the name of blogging you understand.

Am thinking of seeing what Ayutthaya can offer. Heard mainly its all ruins and temples and stuff. Not very me. Read on the blog a few times that some girls in Ayuttaya would be willing to rent me their vaginas for an hourly rate. This is very me.

Khon Kaen is an option. Checked online and sadly theres no California WoW there. Pisser. I regularly liaise with 2 girls I met through Tagged who are making all the right noises. 1 of them is a dead cert, however the other is gonna be a toughy. If i fall flat on my arse with toughy, It’d be nice to know if I can hail a tuktuk, and be hanging out the back of a farmers daughter 10minutes later with toughy fresh in my mind.

Right….. Part 2…… ETA July 2011